i don’t like to capitalize on my thoughts

I come to this site when I want to spend time rambling and be less concerned about who might actually be investing interest in what I’m saying.  I think, also, I have a tendency to want my mum to ’stumble’ across these posts and read over them, have some epiphany on how she should be doing better at raising me and accepting me, and the next time I walk in the door after school my life will magically be 100x better.

of course, that won’t happen.  and after reading hannah’s past post on how excessive and pointless our society has become while there are other countries with a lot of nothing, I definitely feel guilty for being such an indulgent person.

fuuuuck.  i’m not unhappy just frustrated.  i come home, intend on doing my homework, and almost always fail to do so in reality.  you know, i have found that i work more focusedly when i’m outside of my house environment.  i don’t have the same distractions as i do when i’m at home.  the computer isn’t as easily accessable, i don’t have the temptation of my bed at close distance, and my siblings and parents don’t have the same ability to tell me useless things and ask me to do this and that for them.  but i don’t have the means to just waltz down to the local library or anything.  i’d stay after school in the library but i can only be there until 3:30 and then they boot you out and that’s not enough time for me to get even half my shit done.

IF ONLY I COULD DRIVE!  or i had a friend so convenient as to have their license and no life needing to be tended to that they could drive me where ever i wish without any trouble.  having a job would help me, i’d think … but then i change my mind and think that a job would only add to my stress because that’s just one more responsibility and another chunk of my evenings being taken up by something that ISN’T homework.

I swear, i say i’m going to change the quality of my life — i’ll begin exercising more, keep regular consistent morning routine effectively, i’ll devote time to my studies every evening, i’ll pay close attention during class and take notes, i’ll get a job and make good money so that i can aleviate some of the monetary stress on my parents, i’ll be successful!  IT DOESN’T HAPPEN.  i sit around and imagine but tell me to just get up off my ass and do it and i’ll immediately come up with excuses as to why it won’t work.

point out to me right now that i’m totally aware of what my issues are, why don’t i just fix what’s wrong since i know what it is?  i wouldn’t be able to tell you.  i wouldn’t be able to fix it.  i’m at my very center a lazy, indulgent, conceited person who has motivation issues.  i never stay motivated for very long.  just for the past few days i consistently washed my face, brushed my teeth, and did some crunches and push ups every morning and evening.  i said i was giving up sodas entirely and went about three days without one sip of sugary carbonated beverages … now i’m just waking up and washing my face and teeth if i remember to, not exercising regular, and eating and drinking whatever i want.

FAILURE.  i don’t stick to things long before i give up, especially if it is anything that requires effort and especially if its something i don’t necessarily enjoy.

Things I do Enjoy:  France and Photography.  You give me material on France and the french language and tell me to study up on it, i’ll amaze you at how quickly i’ll memorize and delve into it.  Hand me a good quality camera, give me a few lessons to make sure i know what does what, then tell me to come back in a month with a portfolio of photos from different angles of different and unique things — i’ll have it to you on the day you ask for it, fully complete and well presented.

anything outside of that pretty much slides off the table and lands in a messy heap at my feet.  I might nudge it, may pick a few things up and toy with them, but in the end it will all end up back on the floor where i pretty much entirely disregard it.

i shame myself.

and then i envy hannah for all her talent and self-motivation.  she has made herself successful and i love hearing what things she’s up to but then in the back of my head i’m bashing on myself for not being even half as successful as her.

sometimes i blame my parents.  mostly i just blame myself.  i am at the root of the problem.  and i can’t seem to find a solution i can stick to and see through it.

the way i see it, if i had a friend to keep my entirely accountable i might fare better on improving my life in all aspects.  but i really don’t know anyone who i would bow to and listen to when they reprimand me and set me straight again.  I do have a tendency to do better when I know i’m getting something materialistic – like i said, i’m an indulgent person and if i want something bad enough, i’ll work for it.  but it has to be a short term thing – go too far into the future to set a date for my reward and i’ll slack off thinking i have the time and leisure to wobble off course a bit.

does this make sense?  am i easy to understand?

I don’t think so.  but i rarely think people really understand me.  my thoughts circle too much.  i jump tracks and planets and solar systems.  i especially don’t like dwelling on depressing or lame things that won’t ever come true but i do it anyway.  hell, i have these elaborate fantasies and daydreams about how suddenly my life is just the way i want it in a matter of days or so and the only thing that succeeds at doing is make me feel even worse about my life currently when i’m faced with my reality.

i’m applying to tacobell though.  like i said earlier, i don’t know if getting a part-time job will hinder or help me manage my life better but i’m willing to take the risk and find out.  hopefully i get the job.  if not, i plan on applying to best buy.  if that doesn’t work … idk yet.

now, i really should get started on my english essay; it’s due tomorrow and i, per usual, have done absolutely nothing on it.

“fail,” my mind tells me with a frown on his face.  “you fail at life, ria.”
“i know i do but i’m trying to turn that around.  f will stand for fabulous eventually.”
“it better.  i think i’ll abandon you if this fail continues.”
“mind, you can’t abandon me!  even if the fail continues, you can’t leave.  without you, insanity will come in and take your place.  no one can handle insanity!”
“then make fabulous happen; end the fail or insanity will become your new companion.”

am i already insane?  no…i’m pretty sure my mind is still here but…i still wonder.

xx~ria

Girls Girls Girls – no

I have so much swirling around in my head.  The biggest reason why I’m posting is because I’m being my forever procrastinating self.  I have a big crazy hairy research paper for english due tomorrow and I’m only just hitting up website for research material for the book I chose.  Right now I’m not even clear what my topic is:  Lesbian Feminism or how Rita Mae Brown’s own life shaped the plot and characters of her book.  I don’t know!  Gah.  I’m so tempted to just do the research tonight and turn it in for a late grade on Wednesday because with the trouble I’m having finding information – reliable information – right now, I don’t know how long it will take before I actually start writing the paper itself.

I’m so stupid sometimes.

Ria …

• is looking for a part-time job.  Something that pays okay, is flexable (around school hours and such), and doesn’t involve food.  It would be amazing to find a job online that allows me to be creative and write/edit but for a seventeen year old, highly unlikely.
• is sick of girls playing with my head.
• doesn’t quite know what will change in the future, especially after high school.

In the love department, I’m just failing miserably.  I mean, it would be so much easier if I didn’t have any fancies or attractions; I wouldn’t be failing miserably then because there’s nothing there to be failed.  Such, that isn’t the present case.  Thursday, February 26th - my birthday – I call Amanda to ask if she wants to hang out with me and some friends.  Now, earlier that week I had admitted to really liking her and being serious about dating her and she told me she’d think about it.  When I called her, I still had no answer, but while on the phone she said, “I’m on the phone with John.”  I asked, “Which one.”  Her reply was: “My ex who became my boyfriend again as of a few minutes ago.”  I didn’t miss a beat and went on to ask her if they had worked out the issues that previously lead to their break-up.  Inside, I was pissed.  Sure, in a way she was giving me my answer by getting back together with her boyfriend but I would have thought, being her closest friend, I deserved a straightforward answer – a resolute ‘yes’ or ‘no’.  Obviously that was beyond her.

To my excitement, on Saturday, two days after my birthday, I got to hang out with Anna who I was interested in but had been dating a guy.  She told me that they broke up that day and with the news, I became a bit hopeful.  We just had fun, going to Bed, Bath, and Beyond then getting tacobell; nothing out of the ordinary and the two of us didn’t act any differently with each other.  However, when I was dropped off at home, I texted my friend Brandon who had been out with us, driving.  I told him how I still liked her and he told her.  She said how she had wanted to kiss me, which was amusing because I had wanted to kiss her too.  She then texted me saying, “Next time when I hug you don’t turn your head lol” which made me happy.  In my head, I thought there was every chance that we’d start dating.

This past Friday night a huge group of us went out on the town to hang out.  Anna was among those going to be there and I was looking forward to it.  When we arrived at the mall and found the rest of the group Anna came skipping up to me, followed by this odd guy I didn’t know.  After getting glomped by Chris, Anna came up to me and said, “Ria, meet my boyfriend Matt.”  I could hear it in her damn voice – she knew that she was dashing my chances with that simple introduction and I could hear the almost-apology in her tone.  Again, I didn’t want to be a bitch and ruin the whole outing by making a huge deal about it so I simple told him “hi” and we went on our merry way.

To further confuse me, Anna continuously refers to me as “Girlfriend”.  She would say, “Where’s my girlfriend?” or “Look, my girlfriend is drinking my soda.”  I had no idea how to respond to her when she said things like that.  She even told me that when she was hanging with Brandon and he got a text, she’d immediately ask, “Is that my girlfriend?!”  By the end of the night I was playing along – jokingly.  I didn’t understand why she was doing it but I wasn’t about to say anything.  However, I’m pretty sure Anna’s antics were getting on Matt’s nerves.  When I had to leave and I started saying my good-byes to everyone, Matt was one of many who came up wanting a hug.  The fact that this kid was asking for a hug from me when I hardly knew him and wasn’t inclined to like him just because of what he was to Anna was really strange.  I gave him a hug nevertheless and I heard him say as he hugged me, “–stealin’ my girlfriend.”  I couldn’t fathom whether he was joking or serious about it but I didn’t stay long enough to find out.

Why must these girls fuck with me and my emotions?  And it only goes to further my general dislike and uncertainty about bisexual girls – how do you compete with men when it comes to a bisexual girl’s heart?  They seem fickle.  They want the girl and the guy and when they know they have to make a choice their underlying heterosexual half dominates and they stick to the XY chromosomal choice.  So right now my runnings for female encounters (whether it’s a failed interest or dating) it stands at:  1/4 good bisexual females, 3/4 failed bisexual females; 1/1 failed lesbian female.

Now I find it frustrating that, unlike heterosexual girls dealing with dating problems, I can’t go to my parents to tell them.  I’m afraid of their responses.  I have yet to speak up about how dating will work with me and other girls.  I haven’t even officially come out to my da – I’m sure he knows but I haven’t actually spoke to him about it at all.  It’s just something that doesn’t come up and no one is willing to instigate the conversation.  So when there’s the possibility looming that I may find myself in a relationship, I worry over whether I should tell my parents immediately, get it out in the open, or wait and keep it secret for awhile (which for me would be almost impossible to achieve anyway).  But so far the girls I’ve wanted to date are girls who are bisexual and not out to their parents so while wondering if I should tell my parents, I worry that if I tell them they’ll want to meet the girlfriend and next, their parents.  If that happened it could be a disaster.  I don’t know if my parents would be willing to not tell the girlfriend’s parents about the relationship if they knew her parents didn’t know.

Ugh.  I should get back to my paper…

xx~Ria

So life has been moving along but more at a coast than a rush. I haven’t had any major fights with my parents. The only weekend i was grounded from going out with friends, i was cool with it because i knew i deserved the punishment. My school grades are … Okay. Some could be doing a hell of a lot better but they aren’t grades as terrible and unsightly as previous grades. I’m going out almost every weekend to hang and chill with my absolutely amazing friends and life is … good for a change.

Taking Firm Hold of the Reins

So surprisingly I think my parents have unlocked the way to get me to finally crack down on my school work and take my studies more seriously.  The latest report card I brought home showed to my parents how poorly I’ve been managing my work for IB Anthropology and IB Math Studies throughout this school year and it frustrated them to no end.

My mum was talking with me about it and asked, “What can be possibly do to get you to do better?”

In all seriousness, I replied, “Give me things.”

We went on to discuss that in greater detail.  She asked me if that would really get me to work harder and get better grades and I told her that it definitely would.  I’m a materialistic person–I find pleasure in having possessions and given that I have very little money of my own to spend on things I want, I will work hard if I know that I’ll get a few new piercings or a decent MP3 player in reward.  Even a $50 bill would be something to work towards.  If I have incentives, something I know I will personally gain from if I turn out the grades they want from me, I will follow through.  Previously, I knew I really wasn’t going to get much for good grades aside from a “good job” which doesn’t cut it for me when they hardly acknowledge anything else I do to begin with.  If they want me to maintain good grades they shouldn’t be surprised that I want something in return for my hard work.  This is my form of employment and if I’m not getting tangable rewards from my teachers then I need to get it from somewhere for me to feel like my grades really matter.

Sure, in the long run, better grades will give me the ability to get into a better college than someone with poor grades, but to my simple teenage brain the long-term prize isn’t easy to keep in mind when I’m drowning in papers and vocabulary and articles and textbooks.  When thinking of college, it’s easy for my mind to say, “Oh this D here and that C- there won’t affect you too much.  You can make up for it later and still come out okay.”  With a more short-term prize to look forward to, I can keep that in mind, knowing that I will feel happiness after all the hours I put in.

In order for me to really get into the mode of making sure I get all my assignments done each night, this entire week I am not allowed to go out in the evening with friends and galavant around having fun.  Halfway through the week now, I can see how I have been too focused on socializing and not enough on keeping my grades afloat.  My friends are all amazing and have the best intentions, but they can become a distraction for me.

I have to say that it has felt rewarding emotionally, surprisingly.  Last night I was up until 11:30 finishing an essay for english and I even got a short paper done that I technically didn’t have to have typed up until today.  I felt better after I finished, relieved that I could walk into school the next day and not stress over the fact that I didn’t have my assignment in hand.  I wasn’t going to bed reminding myself that I should do that worksheet or scribble out that writing response in the morning (only to wake up and decide I’m too tired or it’s too late to do anything).

I think my best bet at doing well into my college years is to first take courses through a local community college to boost my GPA.  In its current state, I couldn’t expect any decent college or university I have an interest in to take me on as a pupil of their academics.  Also, I don’t think I have acquired enough real world experience to be immediately prepared for the shift from high school, in-home, parentally-supervised life to a college student life fraught with new freedoms and responsibilities I have never had to handle before.  I think that community college is a decent midway point.  I can choose to move in with a roommate near the campus or live with my parents (so long as they understood the change-that they would no longer have such strong authority over my life and how I lived it).

Now, starting to gain a handle on my education situation, I now need to tackle the issue of being healthy and fit, as well as possibly getting a job and obtaining my PDL (Provisional Driver’s License) in May.

xx~Ria

Gay BFFs

Bahumbug.  I’m sort of in this odd state between happy, hyper, and feeling shitty.  BLAH is what I’d call it.  Maybe . . .

Being so social and outgoing is something I really love, at least right now.  This past Saturday I went out with friends, intending on going to see a movie at 7:50 but instead, I ended up with two new guy friends (who both happen to be amazingly gay) and staying out till 11pm — without ever stepping foot into the movie theatre to see the movie we had planned to see.  It was great fun.  And then to add more excitement to my already awesome weekend, I spent most of Sunday with my two new friends, John and Ernesto!  I think two of my favourite moments from Sunday were these:

“We *waves hand between himself and me* are beautiful people!  And Ernesto is adorable!  We shouldn’t have to be surrounded but so many ugly people! . . . But then, when we’re around those ugly people it makes us look better in comparison!”  (rough quotation of what he said)  –John

Bitch Slap Reality

I just glanced over my previous entry and have to laugh.  Oooh, that seems like such a long time ago.  That somewhat girlfriend of mine, Kayla?  We broke up after three days, at my demand.  She was just too much for me to handle and not as attractive as I tried to convince myself she was.  That relationship did NOT work out in the least for me.

Then, I finally got up the nerve to tell my closest friend that I have huge feelings for her, right?  It even seemed hopeful that she would like me back and I’d get myself a girlfriend I’d be happy and mostly content with;  didn’t happen.  She turned me down and I was depressed over it for a bit.  I didn’t let it last for very long though.  To get myself over it, I spent this whole weekend out with friends – a form of distraction at first, but then just an honest fun time with my besties.  I truly do love them to death.

Right now I’m actually stressed out though.  Having fun with my friends all the time is beyond wonderful but now I have an english essay due tomorrow for a midterm grade aaaand I have done next to nothing on it, even though I’ve known it would be due for . . . awhile.  I now have less than four hours to complete it and then I have to work on missing assignments from Anthropology, as well.  But hopefully I can get that done tomorrow and then I’ll be good to hang with friends over the weekend.  I dearly hope!  Well okay, hoping isn’t good enough.  I need to tell myself that that is exactly what I’m going to do tomorrow; I’m going to get home after school and put my ass to the assignments so that I can get them done with.  Maybe I could even work late into tonight on the missing assignments, then I can go to Ashleigh Rinker’s birthday party tomorrow!  Yeeeah!  I’ll try to get those assignments done tonight.  If I don’t get them totally finished, I’ll just do them . . . during second block tomorrow, that way I can still hop in the car with Brandon after school!

But seriously, I need to get myself straightened out.  I’ve barely been skating by and it isn’t going to get any easier to manage next semester, given that I’ll be replacing elective courses with core classes.  I need to take on the responsibility of my workload more seriously.  I pride myself on being an intelligent person who has to be in advanced courses but if I can’t take the time to put in the effort, I’m only contradicting myself.  It’s pathetic!

  I need to smack myself into shape here!

xx~Ria

Relationship Possible

I sort of have a girlfriend.

We aren’t truly defined as being in a monogamous relationship at the moment, so I don’t know what to call this, but we’re headed in that direction, at the very least.

The amusing thing is, she was majourly crushing on me before I even knew her name.  And when she really seemed to be pursuing me, I wasn’t sure if I even liked her at the time, since I already have feelings for someone else (even though those feelings are already known to not be returned).

But we spent all last night texting to each other and she’s really awesome; cute and sexy.  And she’s really thoughtful.

I’m hoping this possible relationship will last longer than my previous relationship.

xx~Ria

Pimped

I’m currently working on my assignments and I’m keeping myself afloat.  I’m pretty proud of myself, managing my time better.  Hopefully this means I may be able to do more things with friends on the weekends or participate in Gay Rights protests and things like that.

I’m having a Christmas party this Saturday.  I have invited 31 people.  This will probably have a big turnout so it should be a fun day.  Shorey is planning his birthday party for just before mine, so many of the same people who are going to mine are attending his.  It will be a flow from his to mine and well worth it!  I hope will have some good memories made from this event.

Oh, and I have some pimping of a friend I have to do; it’s only right since she’s such an amazing person worth your time!

Kate S. with her YouTube account, full of her own awesome personal vids and her Japanese Lesson vids.  Take a look, you’ll never want to leave!
Kate’s Youtube
and she is also just a great teacher to learn a language from and she is currently teaching Japanese basics and English grammar online to those interested.  For the month of December all her classes are free, so you should join in for a course or two and enjoy yourself!
EduFire Kate

Seriously, go check her out.  Subscribe to her youtube channel and educate yourself on EduFire.  It’s all so worth it!

xx~Ria

Coming . . . out? Y or N?

Yeah, I just made a post but, as I mentioned there, this branches off of the topic of Gay Rights but deserves it’s own post.

Now, my mother knows I’m lesbian.  Practically everyone knows . . . except for my father.

October 11th was National Coming Out Day but my ex-girlfriend was coming to visit and was going as my “date” to homecoming and I was afraid that if I came out to him before homecoming, he’d say I couldn’t go or that my ex, Jessica, couldn’t go as my date because he would think we’d be up to some hinky business while out at the dance that night.

I want him to know but I really don’t know how he’d respond.  My biggest fear is that he’ll put even more limitations on my social life with all my chick friends.  As a Junior 16 year old with a big social personality, that would practically be the death of me, or at the very least, the death of my close friendships.

However, if I want to go to protests and other demonstrations, I have to clear them with my parents and I’m sure to get that question one of these times.  The question:  Are you gay?

Of course I’d answer him honestly but . . . I just worry.  Things are decent between my parents and me right now.  I don’t want to jeapordize that.  If he becomes more controlling than before because of my orientation, it could get even more stressful for me.  I have a mood disorder (undefined as of currently) and lack of social interaction can inflame a spell of depression.  Along with the feeling of not being trusted at all by my father; I sometimes feel like I’m slipping into a depressing mood already with this issue.  Coming out and having him constrict his hold on me socially would only make it worse for me to deal with.

And I’ve been doing well as of late, which I don’t want to lose.  I haven’t even seen my therapist in probably over a month and have been doing just fine.  I mean, every now and then I get upset but it never goes further than that.  It’s all surface stuff.

I don’t know whether to delay telling him or just blurt it out at some random time . . . maybe I should text him?  idk.

xx~Ria

Impact

I’m the type of person who really feels strongly about Gay Rights.  I’m 16 years old and I already want to become a Gay Rights activist.  I love the image of myself standing before a crowd of 100s of people strong giving them a speech on how the LGBTQIA community deserves the same rights as everyone else.

Everyone has been speaking of how America is now free of the inequalities with President-Elect Barack Obama on his way to being seated in the White House but we aren’t truly equal just yet!  Sure, the stigma on black people has lost its strength but the sexually deviant people are still poorly thought of.  Loving couples out there are still denied rights because they aren’t legally married under the state.

It hurts to think that we are almost as low as the blacks were once considered.  People say that we shouldn’t be gripping, saying that we’re on the same level as the civil rights movement for blacks and women, that we don’t have it as badly as they did.  And I think, “Of course we don’t, that’s why we definitely don’t have dead or executed gay, lesbian, and transgender people that we mourn the loss of.”

Whenever I hear people say that us gays are going to hell, that we can’t really love someone of the same sex, it truly fires me up and ticks me off.  People of the Christian faith say that what we are is a sin.  Honestly, not being of a defined religious faith but already knowing that I can’t follow the Christian beliefs, I don’t think that Christians have the right to dictate how everyone else is supposed to live their lives.  Its sickens me to see these people getting away with it though.  Those Christians who still support the LGBTQIA community are the people I truly to appreciate and I wish there were more like them.

I want to lead, or help in leading a march on Washington D.C., in something similiar to the march on D.C. the blacks did in protest.  I wouldn’t know quite how to get that up and off the ground or whether it would succeed in changing anything, but I fantasize about it often.  Right now, I’m participating in what protests and demonstrations I possibly can.  There’s one demonstration coming up that I’m unsure of participating it.  December 10th is “A Day Without a Gay,” in which everyone around the U.S. will call into school/work “Gay” and ditch, instead spending the day volunteering for one of many nonprofit organizations, such as the SPCA or Red Cross (although some feel differently about helping the Red Cross) or even better, volunteering for a LGBTQIA organization, such as PFLAG.

Next is another Nationwide Protest on January 10th.  Its a Saturday and I’m hoping to be a leading coordinator of the protest in my area.  Maybe this time, with more forewarning, I can do a better job of organizing it unlike last time and possibly even get to go this time; that will mean discussions with my parents.  Chances are that one of these days . . . well, I’ll save that for a new post; it deserves that.

I have an Enviromental Club meeting after school the day of the “Day Without a Gay” demonstration and I’m the Historian, so I should be there but if I ditch school it would only make sense to ditch the meeting as well.  I’m considering just creating a cheap t-shirt and wearing it to school that day, but not skipping.  =/  Still unsure.

But I want to do whatever I can to create change for myself and others of the LGBTQIA community; I want to make an impact.  This is the one thing I feel most strongly about.  It will be a history-making day to be witnessed when all of the U.S. is united in allowing LGBTQIA the same rights as everyone else.  I want to be apart of that history, be able to tell the tale to my children/grandchildren one day.

xx~Ria