Still clueless on how to bring some change to my familial situation but I don’t want to dwell on it – it only upsets me.
My day was pretty fit into the ‘general’ category. Nothing really exciting or important happened. We had club pictures to do for the yearbook today, and that’s always crazy and stressful. I’m missing bits and pieces of my first block and second block classes because I had pictures to get taken. Rushing back and forth between the classroom and the auditorium. *sigh* Did I forget to breathe?
The whole money dilemma is still bothering me; it constantly does. And that’s because almost everything involves money these days. I think about college – money. I think about doing something with friends, like go shopping or to the movies – money. School clubs – money. School itself – money (in the form of class dues). My passion – money. Getting fed – money.
It’s frightening, how severe our family’s finacial situation is. We’ve had rough patches before but it was never this bad. I’m really feeling it. We are always on the edge of having absolutely nothing to eat. Christmas is going to be a bittersweet affair. My lunch money dwindles away so quickly. And it doesn’t help that I always have to see how my friends seem to come into money more easily than I do, either because they are successfully working some place or because their parents just have the ability and the want to give them cash whent hey want something that involves money.
I wish things could magically change; that’s my constant daydream that I entertain. I daydream about it, how it would be like to not worry so much about buying things, being able to buy some cute new clothes whenever my wardrobe is looking drab, going to the grocery store and not concerning ourselves so much over how much the main brand of a product will cost. It’s almost painful to daydream about this because it only makes the fact that I don’t have that and probably won’t easily have that any time in the future that much harder to bear.
People say that money doesn’t equal happiness, but when you suddenly don’t have it, you definitely aren’t a happy person. In a society that is dependent on the flow of cash, the exchange of it from one person to another, from person to business, it isn’t good to be on the lower end of things where money doesn’t come in and out so easily. It’s depressing. And I have no idea how to help fix it. There’s only such much I understand about bills and taxes (extremely little) and I fail at managing my own money so that it lasts. I can’t get a job because of the stress of school and the fact that my transporation situation leaves me without a way to get around.
. . . I’m whining. I really shouldn’t be so obsessed with it but I can’t seem to get away from it, especially when my days aren’t too interesting or exciting, I can’t help but think about it constantly. I’m trying to figure these things out, trying to improve my quality of life but I’m not coming up with any grand ideas.
xx~Ria
PS. I’m getting to a point where, in all seriousness, I want to tell people that if they feel bad or pity me, they should give me some money from the heart so that I’m not suffering so badly. It seems pathetic and I know it. I don’t like to feel so pathetic and needy but I’m becoming desperate.
