The brown paper bag sits on the counter of my mind, large black sharpie markings spell out the words “COLLEGE & FUTURE.” Reach in side and pull out a handful of feelings; uncertain, exhilerating, scary, unknown, desirable, hopeful, disconcerting, overwhelming. These are the mixed feelings I have about my future and college-life.
My mum is now showing me scholarships online that she thinks I should try applying for. I’m constantly obsessing over it. I go to college websites, create lists of things I want in a college, check out possible majours, check out course listings and see the multitude of classes I would be most interested in taking. I’m apart of three or more college-search helping sites. I’m trying to figure out how I should best study and prepare for the SATs and ACT I’m taking in late spring/early summer of next year. I’m constantly fighting myself to do my homework each night, reminding myself over and over again that how I’m doing in my classes now will affect what colleges will want to accept me.
And then that little seedling of a thought speaks up: what if I take a semester or year off after high school to work full time and take community college classes to improve my GPA?
The idea of community college always makes me feel like I’m stupid. My immediate thought after considering community college is: why would I go to such a lowly school? what need would I have for going to such a school? For me, community college always seemed like a lesser school, a dumb version of a four year college or university. I know it’s a terrible way to think but it’s like how I feel about taking a non-honours or advanced course in high school; even considering to take a regular version of a class like algebra or world history makes me think I’m stupid or lowly. Sure, maybe I just think too highly of myself but I feel that the only way I’ll amount to anything is if I keep pushing myself to strive for better than what I am. By taking IB and AP classes in high school I feel like I’m better and have a better chance of getting in to college. I feel confident . . . even when my grades aren’t doing so well.
But I almost like the idea of not jumping right into college because it would be my time to adjust to living outside of my parents’ home, managing myself without their direct influence. My biggest fear with that is that I’ll plummet into debt so quickly I will never be able to climb back up out of it. The other thing that always stops me from making that my course of action is the fact that I want to be in and out of college as quickly as I possibly can; I want to be well educated with a degree in my area of interest as soon as possible. I don’t want to graduate from college at 25 or older. I want to start my life free of schooling, start working FULL TIME in a career I enjoy, start looking toward starting a family, all around the age of 21-24. Taking even a semester off would set me back and that bothers me. I don’t think I could do it.
Being a teenager is such a stressful time. What I don’t understand is how parents expect so much of us, especially during our Junior year. We’re expected to start getting part time jobs, even though many of us are taking college-level courses that demand a lot of homework time in the evenings, then most of us are driving or in the process of achieving our licenses, meaning cars and car payments and insurance. After school activities (clubs and/or sports) take up a nice chunk of time. We’re scatterbrained, trying to figure out exactly what we want for ourselves after we graduate, concerned over what classes we should be lining up for our senior year to be sure we actually get to graduate, realizing that our grades actually matter and are the creation of our GPA, planning when we can POSSIBLY make trips to go visit colleges. Applying for scholarships. Stressing over those big four or five digit prices for colleges. Planning when to take our SATs (and wondering if we should take it a second or third time), asking ourselves if we should take the ACT as well just to be on the safe side. Stressing over how to make money.
Me, I don’t have my license, won’t get it until May 21st or later (may 21st is the official day I’m allowed to get it but depending on my parents and circumstances . . .). And because I don’t have my license, that limits what jobs I could possible get, especially since my parents aren’t readily available to drive me there. On top of that, I don’t even know if I could handle a steady job with how terribly I manage my homework and after-school activities as it is. But then that leaves me struggling to pay for things that I should be paying for myself; club dues, fieldtrip money for clubs, books for english class, candy I ate and need to pay off . . . and the family’s finances aren’t too peachy as it is so I can’t just ask my parents for a bit of leverage cash to help me pay for a few things until I can get a better cash flow going for myself.
I know my parents have their own stresses but I don’t see how I have it any easier than they do. They have ONE job they have to do and they’re actually getting paid for it. Chances are that the amount of money they get paid would seem like a lot more to me than it does to them. Me? I have a consistent job that’s loaded with expectations and demands the most time out of me. And it’s a job I’m not paid to do. The only “incentive” is the fact that I’m supposed to have a better future if I do well but with the way my bosses make it sound, it feels more like a forced work without incentive. But then I have the pressure to add on a second job that pays me to labour. Between the two, I’d probably feel as if I had no social life, and I already feel as if I don’t have one with how my parents control me.
And yet I’m constantly wondering: “HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO PAY FOR THIS SHIT.” I want to buy my friends gifts for christmas and birthdays, especially since I didn’t get them anything last year but with how it’s looking, I’m going to be adding another christmas to my list of “Gifts I Need to Make up.” Sometimes I want to just drop everything. I don’t want to handle it all. Already I feel as if I can’t afford to be a kid and just have fun. I have to think about this and that and how much this will cost and should I take a nap first or slam into my homework first thing. I’m so wrapped up in these things that I feel like I hardly see my friends outside of school and when I want to or think I have the chance to do something with them, my parents step in and tell me what things I have to do first or what thing I did wrong that won’t allow me to go.
Every day I try my hardest not to screw up again. I want to prove to my parents that I’ve matured, that I can be trusted, that I learn from my mistakes. But I never feel like it’s enough. For the effort I’m making, I don’t feel I get compensated for it. Sometimes I wonder if they even notice that I’m trying to gain their trust by not arguing so much, by doing what I’m told to do, by accepting it maturely when I’m told I can’t do this or that today. Of course, there comes one day where I didn’t do my best and I get in trouble for something – then my parents notice, they notice hell of a lot better. And I’m punished. Sometimes I feel that the punishment was harsh, that it should have been less severe a punishment because of my good behaviour previously, that they should have taken that into consideration.
I’m trying. I try every day. And at the age of sixteen, coming nearer to seventeen, I feel that I should have more privileges and freedoms than I do as of currently.
My problem? I don’t communicate well with my parents, especially when it’s something that gets to me emotionally. I don’t like my parents to see me crying and when I’m upset or frustrated, I cry. If I try to talk to them face-to-face about these things, chances are I won’t be able to articulate what I want because I’ll start crying or I’ll just not find the right words to express what I want. But I want some sort of change.
Sadly, my idea is to go to the extreme and try to get emancipated. I can’t until I have my license (and a job) but once I have that, I’m strongly considering it. I don’t know of any other way to get that freedom I want. I definitely don’t want to do it if I don’t have to because I don’t have my finacial managements under control but I’ll try for it if I can’t think of any way to change my current situation with my parents.
I should get some sleep; or try anyway. I’ll probably be mulling this all over even after I wake up tomorrow.
xx~Ria
