I have so much swirling around in my head. The biggest reason why I’m posting is because I’m being my forever procrastinating self. I have a big crazy hairy research paper for english due tomorrow and I’m only just hitting up website for research material for the book I chose. Right now I’m not even clear what my topic is: Lesbian Feminism or how Rita Mae Brown’s own life shaped the plot and characters of her book. I don’t know! Gah. I’m so tempted to just do the research tonight and turn it in for a late grade on Wednesday because with the trouble I’m having finding information – reliable information – right now, I don’t know how long it will take before I actually start writing the paper itself.
I’m so stupid sometimes.
Ria …
- is looking for a part-time job. Something that pays okay, is flexable (around school hours and such), and doesn’t involve food. It would be amazing to find a job online that allows me to be creative and write/edit but for a seventeen year old, highly unlikely.
- is sick of girls playing with my head.
- doesn’t quite know what will change in the future, especially after high school.
In the love department, I’m just failing miserably. I mean, it would be so much easier if I didn’t have any fancies or attractions; I wouldn’t be failing miserably then because there’s nothing there to be failed. Such, that isn’t the present case. Thursday, February 26th - my birthday – I call Amanda to ask if she wants to hang out with me and some friends. Now, earlier that week I had admitted to really liking her and being serious about dating her and she told me she’d think about it. When I called her, I still had no answer, but while on the phone she said, “I’m on the phone with John.” I asked, “Which one.” Her reply was: “My ex who became my boyfriend again as of a few minutes ago.” I didn’t miss a beat and went on to ask her if they had worked out the issues that previously lead to their break-up. Inside, I was pissed. Sure, in a way she was giving me my answer by getting back together with her boyfriend but I would have thought, being her closest friend, I deserved a straightforward answer – a resolute ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Obviously that was beyond her.
To my excitement, on Saturday, two days after my birthday, I got to hang out with Anna who I was interested in but had been dating a guy. She told me that they broke up that day and with the news, I became a bit hopeful. We just had fun, going to Bed, Bath, and Beyond then getting tacobell; nothing out of the ordinary and the two of us didn’t act any differently with each other. However, when I was dropped off at home, I texted my friend Brandon who had been out with us, driving. I told him how I still liked her and he told her. She said how she had wanted to kiss me, which was amusing because I had wanted to kiss her too. She then texted me saying, “Next time when I hug you don’t turn your head lol” which made me happy. In my head, I thought there was every chance that we’d start dating.
This past Friday night a huge group of us went out on the town to hang out. Anna was among those going to be there and I was looking forward to it. When we arrived at the mall and found the rest of the group Anna came skipping up to me, followed by this odd guy I didn’t know. After getting glomped by Chris, Anna came up to me and said, “Ria, meet my boyfriend Matt.” I could hear it in her damn voice – she knew that she was dashing my chances with that simple introduction and I could hear the almost-apology in her tone. Again, I didn’t want to be a bitch and ruin the whole outing by making a huge deal about it so I simple told him “hi” and we went on our merry way.
To further confuse me, Anna continuously refers to me as “Girlfriend”. She would say, “Where’s my girlfriend?” or “Look, my girlfriend is drinking my soda.” I had no idea how to respond to her when she said things like that. She even told me that when she was hanging with Brandon and he got a text, she’d immediately ask, “Is that my girlfriend?!” By the end of the night I was playing along – jokingly. I didn’t understand why she was doing it but I wasn’t about to say anything. However, I’m pretty sure Anna’s antics were getting on Matt’s nerves. When I had to leave and I started saying my good-byes to everyone, Matt was one of many who came up wanting a hug. The fact that this kid was asking for a hug from me when I hardly knew him and wasn’t inclined to like him just because of what he was to Anna was really strange. I gave him a hug nevertheless and I heard him say as he hugged me, “–stealin’ my girlfriend.” I couldn’t fathom whether he was joking or serious about it but I didn’t stay long enough to find out.
Why must these girls fuck with me and my emotions? And it only goes to further my general dislike and uncertainty about bisexual girls – how do you compete with men when it comes to a bisexual girl’s heart? They seem fickle. They want the girl and the guy and when they know they have to make a choice their underlying heterosexual half dominates and they stick to the XY chromosomal choice. So right now my runnings for female encounters (whether it’s a failed interest or dating) it stands at: 1/4 good bisexual females, 3/4 failed bisexual females; 1/1 failed lesbian female.
Now I find it frustrating that, unlike heterosexual girls dealing with dating problems, I can’t go to my parents to tell them. I’m afraid of their responses. I have yet to speak up about how dating will work with me and other girls. I haven’t even officially come out to my da – I’m sure he knows but I haven’t actually spoke to him about it at all. It’s just something that doesn’t come up and no one is willing to instigate the conversation. So when there’s the possibility looming that I may find myself in a relationship, I worry over whether I should tell my parents immediately, get it out in the open, or wait and keep it secret for awhile (which for me would be almost impossible to achieve anyway). But so far the girls I’ve wanted to date are girls who are bisexual and not out to their parents so while wondering if I should tell my parents, I worry that if I tell them they’ll want to meet the girlfriend and next, their parents. If that happened it could be a disaster. I don’t know if my parents would be willing to not tell the girlfriend’s parents about the relationship if they knew her parents didn’t know.
Ugh. I should get back to my paper…
xx~Ria
